That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
