think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
