Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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