Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Never underestimate the power of titties
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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