I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
