I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
