R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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