this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
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