Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
