i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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