if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize