I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
