well I can't set my house on fire every night
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
