The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
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