I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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