ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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