Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Randomize