i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
ttyl tear gas
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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