If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize