Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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