I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
