i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
