i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just invented taco cereal.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Randomize
