Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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