I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
