plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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