Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
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