I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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