You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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