So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize