so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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