I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
