Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
