matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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