I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
