Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize