bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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