I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
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