The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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