and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
