my sisters under your porch take her home
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize