I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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