be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
