Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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