so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
