my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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