he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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