she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
