Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
