note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
