Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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