Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
