On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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