i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
