Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
