I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
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