Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
