Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
