The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Umm I'm too high to move.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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