Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
