He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize