Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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