So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize