I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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