when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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