dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
