HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
50% drunk capacity currently
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
